I'm living a lot in my head lately... finding more and more that I have less to say to anyone... but then at the same time feeling so lonely I could curl up into a ball and cry for days, while also being incredibly irritable and frustrated with anyone who wants to spend time with me.

Hormones? Let's hope so... I feel like I'm losing myself.. or at least the good parts of me. I'm left with all the parts I try to avoid most of the time. I keep trying to figure out what the purpose of this all is... why the drive to isolate and then the intense pain of feeling lonely? Why the irritability with my family and friends who really are exactly the same people now as they were three months ago? What biological purpose does this serve?

In previous pregnancies I've experienced what I feel like is a positive "emotional nesting" period where I'd clean out all the things not necessary and work on building the relationships that were helpful to me. But this time it all seems rather senseless and stupid. And I'm frustrated with it.

I feel like I'm living in a shadow, and I am already afraid of never coming out of it. Or of having to medicate myself out of it. What kind of ridiculous flaw in my humanity do I have that I can't be the person I want to be without medication.... it makes me so damn angry. I feel weak. I hate weakness.

It's not always this dense.. it's been raining for two days and I've not really been outside.. I know that's part of my mood. The sun will shine tomorrow and I'll be outside again and fine....  but there's always this stupid fog nearby. I hate it.

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I'm sitting here waiting for my ~200 pictures from the last year to upload so I can print and file... so figured it's time to take a minute and update.

Having better days as far as the nausea goes, but have discovered that I absolutely *cannot* eat crappy food. We went on a date over the weekend and I ate junk I ordinarily don't... and promptly threw it all back up upon arriving home. At least it tasted good going down...  It appears that I have a lot of gas in my stomach after eating... if I can burp without triggering my gag reflex, I'm all good. If I can't get a burp out within half an hr of eating, I'm pretty much guaranteed to puke. At least I'm learning. ;)

Have been increasingly exhausted lately. Walking around is tiresome, cleaning the house exhausting, and my evening walks are pretty much nonexistent lately as it feels like I'm exercising every day all day long. Which isn't like me at all. I don't remember this happening with either of my previous pregnancies either... but I was younger, and I was also working in an office during both so spent a LOT of my time sitting on my butt in air conditioned offices. I definitely wasn't as active then as I am this time. Which likely means I'll be in better shape for birth, but also that I wear out on a daily basis! Still need to be asleep by 10 or I'm useless the next day. Not as many nightmares anymore though, so at least my sleep isn't disturbed like it was in the early weeks.

Sunday marked the end of the first trimester for me! And I felt the very first movements over the weekend. Husband thinks I'm crazy and there's no way that's possible, but I am 100% positive that it was coming from inside my uterus and was NOT gas. (Of which I have a lot, so I've got a fair amount of experience in what that feels like as well. ;) ).

I've recently started working a few hours a week taking care of a garden for some people with a summer home up here. It's very calming work for me -- I love being in the dirt. Definitely feel healthiest out of doors this time around -- I can't get enough sun and fresh air! All the squatting and stretching is making my legs permanently sore, but will be fantastic preparation for birthing. The owner of the garden just came back up this weekend and saw the work I'd done and sent me a very complimentary note thanking me. So that was also nice.

Really looking forward to summer vacation this year. So ready to spend the days at the pool and lake... have a few projects I was supposed to finish up this spring and summer... but otherwise plan to turn my children into fish if at all possible!

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Update of sorts

There's just not much to say these days. I spend most of the day either planning what to eat next to avoid being sick, or laying around trying to stop feeling sick after having eaten. Insomnia seems to have hit.. lots of waking up at night (last night was the first night I slept soundly that I can remember -- the night before I was up for a solid two hours obsessing over finding a book I read as a child that I am sure is lost forever... I've no idea what the title was, or the author, nor do I even remember an approximate publication year.. but still, fantasies of finding the book and sharing it with my kids kept me wide awake. Sadly, even if I did find it, they likely wouldn't care....).

I'm tired ALL the time. I hate to say this is because I'm old, but I think it kind of is. Having a baby at nearly 30 is very different than having a baby at 20... ;)

The kids still don't know. I feel bad not telling them because they hear my almost-vomit coughing a few times a day, and I am sure they wonder why mom no longer has dinner with them. I can sit with them if they eat sandwiches or cereal, or pasta... but if there is any warmed-meat smell... or eggs... I'm out.

Husband has been lovely. Making meals, letting me go for long walks in the evening while he feeds the kids and cleans up dinner. It makes a huge difference... pretty sure I'd be losing my food every night if I had to stay in the house and cook.

I feel best outside and in fresh air. The second I come back inside I start to feel "off" again... so I am trying to spend as much time as I can outside. Pretty lucky to be home with the kids and that these early months are lining up with warming weather.

Have been reading anything and everything I can about birthing in the way I hope to... from dietary preparation to birth stories, to philosophy/spirituality. Favorite new book is Sacred Birthing... Orgasmic Birthing let me down a bit. Just wasn't deep enough.. covers much of the stuff other books cover... I suppose that happens when you read every natural birthing book you can get your hands on. ;) Also have started and stopped -- planning to resume after Sacred Birthing -- Mindful Birthing. It seems good, so far, I just felt impatient with it and decided that I needed to give it a breather so I could return ready to read and practice instead of just skim.

Outside of growing this life and preparing mentally for the birth... there's just not a lot going on. It seems that there's just nothing left after mothering these days. Since this is the last time I'll be doing this, I figure that's OK. There's plenty of time for other things in the future...

When I have more thoughts I'll be back... right now my thoughts all center around food and sleep.... ahhhh sleeeeepppp....

OH... but before I go. Found this nifty site a little while ago and have been enjoying peeking at it every so often.

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My temperature dropped from high-to-mid 98s down to 98.2... for some reason this really bothered me. I waited a few minutes and tested again to see if my earlier numbers were higher because I had been awake longer before testing. Nope... still 98.2.

So then I checked my previous charts to see if my temp drops low before a period.... it does go down a bit. BUT 98.2 is still above every other coverline I've had. So, that still looks positive?

Decided that since I can't take a test this morning, I'd use my deck and see what I came up with. Was sure of the question before I grabbed the deck. "Am I pregnant?" I shuffled, and happened on the thought that I would get some sort of random hint-y card about how my future dreams will come true or something... but continued to shuffle until it felt right, stopped, fanned, laid my hand over the cards and selected. Ostara. Fertility goddess. "This card signifies pregnancy."

So, there's that.

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Stream of conscious: Processing

I believe strongly in Karma

I am bad at texting

Everything I am saying has a double meaning ....in case I forget tomorrow

This list is so accurate I am laughing at myself ....in case I forget tomorrow

Rhythm in my life is intense but I often miss it… big and small

It Will Get Better and Don’t It Feel Good on the radio… again find that music speaks to every issue/subject that enters my mind

Makes me feel like listening to music all the time and seeing if I can make this happen in reality

I am hyper focused on following my tangets but also easily shifting between each subject and I feel no annoyance at the tangent that would ordinarily annoy the heck out of me

This is what I am here for… no messing around, resolve the shit bugging me, let it go and get back to the good in reality…. I can’t get back there (the good in reality) when I am not here separating all the threads that go into me being me… I have to straighten up the webbing in this space before I can clear my energy (hah! “ultimate truth to me” not posing in case you forget tomorrow ;) ) and proceed to bliss in real life

I need to go see K… she is important to my healing and future growth, intuition and (shit what’s that word -- husband experience as throughout each journey.. Haha another funny word I will make fun of tomorrow but is true)... enlightenment, that’s the word. Funny that is the one I forgot.. :P That is the thing I always forget to think about when I analyze things in “real life”... that all these experiences and emotions can bring growth and eventual enlightenment if we don’t get stuck in every incident and simply accept its teaching

God, I sound like a kook to husband in self-husband mind.. but it is all true to self-self and self-husband-self… and so it is always ok.. the different permutations of my soul… why husband-husband evaluations crush so deeply that I think they are reflected in the spiritual level subconscience that I have of myself… it isn’t. I am always ok on the inside. The outside is only an illusion.

Dammit I hope this all makes sense and is still accessible to me tomorrow and doesn’t just sound like the raving of a mentally unstable woman tomorrow..

Little problems always have available solutions if I know where to look… in very deep ways and very surface ones (I spent too long looking around for a pencil and paper so I could write… before realizing I had my phone with me and could write a note… all the while, my computer was sitting right beside me. I could write on that so easily! But I was stuck on needing pencil and paper -- the “right way” to solve the issue of wanting to journal my thoughts. Be OPEN to solution that is not “the right one”)

I could do these selfcare things just as easily in real life. I don’t, but I need to start. This will help a great deal and let me not burn out so frequently.


Letting husband handle dinner/evening/bedtime. Removing myself to cocoon of blankets. Light a candle. Listen to music I love. Write my thoughts. Love myself and remember all is illusion. All is God/Source. God/Source is all.  


Can’t believe I forgot that I had this. can type so much faster this way.

God… I am such a nerd even when here. Guess that’s just the real me, no escaping.

Let Her Go came on the radio. Hah.

Anyway. Was just thinking about child and how paranoid I am about doing the right thing but the reality is that I am fucking up all the time everywhere around him and failing him and that’s good enough too. It is never going to be the “right thing” because the right thing is often messy and scary and bad and ugly too… but it still brings to us what we need in this life. What we have already called to our soul for whatever growth and experience we need in this life to get us to the ultimate… which is enlightenment and/or the return to source… this is the Heaven… and we don’t miss anything beyond that. I don’t know if this is just my truth, or whether being this way connects me to ultimate truth, but I know that doesn’t matter truly, because what I feel is ultimate truth to me whether or not it is ultimate truth to anyone else and so it doesn’t ever matter because it is always ultimate truth as long as it is true to you. No one else’s ultimate truth can in any way make your truth less true to you, nor your truth make their truth less true to them. What is true for each is always true even if in direct conflict to each other = ALL is true. Conversion is impossible.. you always are what you are and it may be unlocked inside you (as conversion from one religion to another) or it may not be, but if it is then you were always whatever was unlocked and not what was evident before… you are never both. So...all that translates to saying that I was never Christian… I was raised christian… that illusion fell away and I am what I am now… that is my essense.. I am not running away from my christian identify and posing as this just to be bad or get away with something because I am rebellious… this is what I really think and have always really thought and my truth for my soul in this life..

Now I know I sound nuts. Good grief.. if I am not laughing now I will likely be laughing tomorrow at how nuts I was when I was so philosophical.

I wonder how many people are this nerdy and type every thought that comes to their mind and stays long enough to be captured for clues of insights to help them resolve any and all future problems as though this was an explanation of all that has been bothering me and all that will come to bother me… giving the codes to avoid the upset … do I turn this into a healing thing because I can always heal my own mind if I could just visit this space in my own head… or is this turning me that way because it is healing my mind and I need to realize and just accept that.

Time goes SO slowly… “I gotta have faith” on the radio now.. another key (code?) to life that I would not have heard speaking to what was on my mind but heard now. George Michael

You were meant for me -- Jewel came on the radio. Have always loved this song. Don’t hear it much anymore… but it is my sadness… abandonment… my deepest fear, being left by the soul(s) you need most.

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Her: Many years ago, I wanted to be an expert. You should help me be an expert.

Me: How do you be an expert?

Her: Um, I think you have magi-dul portions and help people drink tea. So you should do that.

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"You are asked to be very, very free"

Freedom.

It's been so long since I have felt fully free to express myself on a blog. I miss my blogging some days. And I miss the freedom I once felt in writing out my thoughts. Sharing with my small group of fellow bloggers I grew to love and trust over some of the most painful years of my life, and some of the best times as well.

Some days I long to return to that fully-public, screw-anyone-who-doesn't-like me life. But the reality of who I am, how I write, and who I have in my life, even if only because of blood... means this is just not a viable option for me. I am too conscious of who my words might hurt, or embarrass. I cannot bear the thought of writing openly where others could read and interpret my words, judge me for my choices, or otherwise use my catharsis against me.

The truth is, I am not intending to communicate anything to any specific person when I write. Sometimes I just write to process what is in my mind. Sometimes I write because I can't stop thinking about something, sometimes I write to record where I am at a particular moment in time. Sometimes I write because I can't find my way through a situation until I see it down on paper. Sometimes I write to share... but never to share with my mother. I have nothing to share with her anymore. Absolutely no interest. And I don't expect this will change. So writing publicly, where she can see if she chooses to look, is no longer really an option for me. At least not right now.

There has been so much that has happened... it's overwhelming to think about going back and catching up in chronological order. Even my private paper journal keeping has been spotty at best the last couple years. They have been intense years... with many ups, and a few deep, deep downs that I have not been able to write about much at all. I don't feel like I can go back and "explain" these things... so much as go forward acknowledging their existence. Life can be unpredictable, and messy. The choices we make are the best we can make at the time... and that is all we can do. That is all I have done. And I am at peace with the decisions made, but sometimes they do have lasting effects mentally, emotionally. That is life. And that is what drives me to write.

I don't know if I will share this... all of it, some of it... I don't know if anyone will want to read. I feel as though some of the choices I make, or have made, would upset just about everyone I hold dear, who used to know me in a very different time. My perspectives have shifted as my life and spirit have... I am so far from who I used to be I am sure nearly-thirty me would shock and horrify nearly-twenty me. And yet, I like who I am today far, far better than I liked myself back then. I feel safer in my skin now than I ever did then. I feel more whole than I thought possible to feel. More at peace and more vulnerable in all the right ways.
Fully known and loved by another for the first time in my life. Finally at peace with the other half of my soul -- able to give and to receive this love that has always been and always will be mine.

Recently I was called to be very, very free with my lover. To set aside my fears of failing again as a mother, of not being enough for my children, and welcome in the soul which has been asking to enter our family. I believe with every fiber of my being that this soul is the same one I said goodbye to some time ago, and I believe it is meant to enter our family.

And so now... we open ourselves fully, and wait.

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