I'm living a lot in my head lately... finding more and more that I have less to say to anyone... but then at the same time feeling so lonely I could curl up into a ball and cry for days, while also being incredibly irritable and frustrated with anyone who wants to spend time with me.

Hormones? Let's hope so... I feel like I'm losing myself.. or at least the good parts of me. I'm left with all the parts I try to avoid most of the time. I keep trying to figure out what the purpose of this all is... why the drive to isolate and then the intense pain of feeling lonely? Why the irritability with my family and friends who really are exactly the same people now as they were three months ago? What biological purpose does this serve?

In previous pregnancies I've experienced what I feel like is a positive "emotional nesting" period where I'd clean out all the things not necessary and work on building the relationships that were helpful to me. But this time it all seems rather senseless and stupid. And I'm frustrated with it.

I feel like I'm living in a shadow, and I am already afraid of never coming out of it. Or of having to medicate myself out of it. What kind of ridiculous flaw in my humanity do I have that I can't be the person I want to be without medication.... it makes me so damn angry. I feel weak. I hate weakness.

It's not always this dense.. it's been raining for two days and I've not really been outside.. I know that's part of my mood. The sun will shine tomorrow and I'll be outside again and fine....  but there's always this stupid fog nearby. I hate it.

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I'm sitting here waiting for my ~200 pictures from the last year to upload so I can print and file... so figured it's time to take a minute and update.

Having better days as far as the nausea goes, but have discovered that I absolutely *cannot* eat crappy food. We went on a date over the weekend and I ate junk I ordinarily don't... and promptly threw it all back up upon arriving home. At least it tasted good going down...  It appears that I have a lot of gas in my stomach after eating... if I can burp without triggering my gag reflex, I'm all good. If I can't get a burp out within half an hr of eating, I'm pretty much guaranteed to puke. At least I'm learning. ;)

Have been increasingly exhausted lately. Walking around is tiresome, cleaning the house exhausting, and my evening walks are pretty much nonexistent lately as it feels like I'm exercising every day all day long. Which isn't like me at all. I don't remember this happening with either of my previous pregnancies either... but I was younger, and I was also working in an office during both so spent a LOT of my time sitting on my butt in air conditioned offices. I definitely wasn't as active then as I am this time. Which likely means I'll be in better shape for birth, but also that I wear out on a daily basis! Still need to be asleep by 10 or I'm useless the next day. Not as many nightmares anymore though, so at least my sleep isn't disturbed like it was in the early weeks.

Sunday marked the end of the first trimester for me! And I felt the very first movements over the weekend. Husband thinks I'm crazy and there's no way that's possible, but I am 100% positive that it was coming from inside my uterus and was NOT gas. (Of which I have a lot, so I've got a fair amount of experience in what that feels like as well. ;) ).

I've recently started working a few hours a week taking care of a garden for some people with a summer home up here. It's very calming work for me -- I love being in the dirt. Definitely feel healthiest out of doors this time around -- I can't get enough sun and fresh air! All the squatting and stretching is making my legs permanently sore, but will be fantastic preparation for birthing. The owner of the garden just came back up this weekend and saw the work I'd done and sent me a very complimentary note thanking me. So that was also nice.

Really looking forward to summer vacation this year. So ready to spend the days at the pool and lake... have a few projects I was supposed to finish up this spring and summer... but otherwise plan to turn my children into fish if at all possible!

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